- We will advertise for students using promises such as having free school nurses, and then renege on those policies once students are enrolled, citing budgetary reasons.
- We will have a luxury restaurant named Chellamy’s for staff, paid for out of the school budget. Under no circumstances will Chellamy’s feed students.
- We will have a daily meeting with all staff and students where questions can be asked. There is no obligation on anyone to answer sensibly or truthfully or in full unless caught out. These sessions will always be chaired by someone who agrees not to ask their favourite group to answer properly.
- Any larger issues brought up will be dealt with by in internal select committee that already has made a decision but which will sit quietly and let the poor hopeful submitters ramble so they feel they were heard.
- Management will receive a handsome annual pay rise. Cleaners and support staff will get under 1% per year due to budget restrictions.
- Given staff and restaurant costs, we may choose to sell off most of our buildings in the hope that our budget might get into surplus.
- We will leave it to the market to solve the issue of where to house the children for lessons.
- Management will reserve the right to fly themselves and their partners to events first class at the cost of the school during the term of their employment and forever thereafter.
- Our behaviour policy will be:
- people can lie.
- if anyone is caught out lying, they can either lie again or laugh off the original lie as not important or accuse the person that caught them out of a smear campaign.
- bullying is allowed, and in fact we have a PR firm that helps with that.
- if people wish to bully anonymously, we have bloggers that will spread the rumours for them. There is sometimes a fee for this service.
- harassment is allowed so long as the harasser gives the person they harassed two bottles of fizz when they finally scream at them to STOP (but not before).
- We will spend millions on a new school flag even though the school already has a flag and nobody wants a new one.
- Finally, we will sign a document allowing other, bigger, schools to sue us if we ever do anything that might infringe on their right to earn money. This will be done on the condition that those of us people signing will be given lucrative jobs by one of the bigger schools or their friends once this job is over
Any questions should be directed to the Ombudsman, who will explain that we don’t have to tell you anything or explain ourselves in any way.
Now, where do we sign?