Unhappy with news that England is to begin testing its 4 year olds and even 2 year olds, New Zealand Education Minister Hekia Parata has been busy this weekend not only avoiding the mounting calls for her to resign but also trying to figure out how to win in this increasingly tricky race for data.
After careful and open consultation with people she knew would agree with her, she has decided that henceforth all children should be tested in utero.
To avoid cheating and ensure the data is rigorous enough to share with businesses, mothers will be blindfolded and gagged so they can’t give their progeny help with the tests. Consideration is also being given to the idea of putting mothers’ heads in vacuum flasks so that they cannot pass on information by telepathy.
ACT raised the very real concern that twin and triplicate pregnancies could lead to siblings cheating. In has been agreed that, in this instance, the babies may be induced early so that they can be tested in separate rooms.
Education and medical specialists have raised concerns, which Hekia dismissed as “The usual hoohah from those with a vested interest in the status quo,” adding that it is “essential that five out of five unborn children have the right to know where to put an apostrophe and how to share a pizza fairly between five people.”
National Standards data will be published by Stuff.co.nz so that would-be parents can judge which doctors would give their unborn children the best chance of success. Doctors and midwives may, admitted Parata, be paid according to how clever the babies they deliver are.
Fetuses will also be allocated National Student Numbers (NSN) as soon as the little blue line appears on the stick, so they can be tracked through the system.
Parata was heard to mutter, as she walked out of the press conference, “Beat that Gove.”